Starting this blog was my main goal at the beginning of this year; I wanted to review makeup products and share recipes and travel diaries and everything that was important to me. BUT – I’ve been avoiding writing for about six weeks now and it’s mostly because I’ve been battling with whether or not to write about a certain significant event that’s found me in a whole different state (literally and mentally).
Just over six weeks ago my boyfriend and I broke up. Without going too much into it, it was what most would consider a ‘good’ breakup, meaning there was no big fight or major disaster or screaming and we agreed that (eventually) we would try to be friends. But he was my first love and I was naïve and young and I genuinely thought I’d found the person I would spend the rest of my life with, combined with the complication that we were living together and yadda yadda (you’ve probably heard this all before). The breakup was sudden and surprising and shocking and devastating and it changed everything I had planned for my future. I ended up moving interstate to be with my family and I had to leave my job and transfer uni and say goodbye to some really amazing people and pretty much just start fresh. I’ve spent the last month and a half on a constant cycle of missing my ex, finding my feet and then crashing back into the inevitable self-pity and loathing that follows a breakup (even a ‘good’ one).
Today, whilst taking a very long shower and thinking all of the things (anyone else? Just me? Okay) it finally occurred to me that it’s not up to my ex to break this cycle – I can’t wait for him to give me closure or permission to move on with my life. I am on my own journey now, completely independent of him, and I need to take ownership and responsibility of that and appreciate it for all of the opportunities and freedom that it has ahead of me.
Anyway, that was my roundabout way of explaining why I’ve been so slack and where my head is at. I know that it’s “only a breakup” and everyone goes through it at some point –but it really just threw me and honestly I don’t feel like the same person I was two months ago. My whole life is different and I’m starting to think that this blog is going to need to change direction if there’s any hope that I will maintain it beyond this point.
Right now I am focussing on my health, both physical and mental. For the last three years I have put all of my energy toward loving someone else and I have really neglected to take care of myself. So I’m really working on my diet and exercise regime, building up the friendships that I have neglected over the last couple years and exploring all of the interests I set aside because they were ‘mine’ and not ‘ours.’
So as of now this blog is going to be some weird hybrid between lifestyle blog and online journal – which I realise may not be particularly interesting for most to read but:
- Best case scenario: at least one other person going through something similar reads this and it helps them through a tough time, OR
- Worst case scenario: no one reads it and it purely functions to keep me accountable and honest as I try to work through this apparent quarter-life crisis
Either way, I’m ready to do the thing and living the life and yeah.